Scared to Believe Otherwise.

We live in a world where people manipulate other people in order to get by. Although, it may not be as vivid as the moon in the night sky, it happens everyday... every... second. People also imitate others to not feel left out or because they feel they've run out of options. I believe certain people come into your life for a particular reason. With each encounter you learn a new lesson. I do anyway. Last summer I began working at this souvenir shop in my hometown of Washington, DC. A nice, kind of big place of business located not too far from Gallery Place/Chinatown. While working there I became closer than a coworker but not as close as a friend to a Mason and a Muslim, who both happened to be musicians. Both males, one a Virgo the other a Scorpio. The Virgo one laid the most knowledge on me and still does to this day. (We politic all the time when there's an open window) He tells me everything "they" don't know or might not want me to know. The information he shares with me interests me and intrigues me to a point where my eyes are stuck in one place and I barely blink. I become a little disheartened, though, because I know how I am and I know that even though I'm particularly zoned in to whatever concept he's introducing me to, that's all it will just be. I won't do that much research and really get that self-fulfillment.

The Virgo touches on topics of religion, politics, art, and poetry. But especially religion and politics. The Scorpio was really only trying to spark something with me. It was cute, lol. But not what I was looking for at the moment.

Religion can be a scary topic for me. Everyone seems to want to belong to a particular group or just want to feel belonged. Yes, there's a difference. I grew up in a Christian household. My father is a pastor and my mother is a God-fearing lovely woman. Now, even though I am a pastor's daughter and I pretty much grew up in the church until I was about nine years old, I wasn't that religious. I just went along to get along. I mean, that's all I could do. I was only a child. Even with all the animated videos of the bible I was forced to watch I always felt like there was more to the story and there was something someone wasn't telling me. And at the same time I was scared to question the word of the Lord. Weird? Maybe to some.

My mother has become more spiritual since my parents divorced and I've become more into astrology and numerology. And even though I just said that, I still don't know whole heartedly what I believe in or what I want to believe in. I know there is a higher being, I sometimes consider it God and I sometimes consider it the Universe. (Something up there has to be in control) While others consider it or him as Allah. I'll admit, I have recently grown an interest in the Muslim religion. That's only because almost everyone who I associate with (musically) seems to be delving into the Islam* culture.

delve |delv|

verb [ intrans. ]

1. reach inside a receptacle and search for something

I wish to delve as well.

But what exactly am I searching for? enlightenment?

These thoughts are so hard to put into words because. It's like, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for. Should I remain Christian? Do I question everything I've been taught since birth? Do I come up with a concept of my own?

(so many questions)

*sigh*

Everything just seems so different now that I'm older. I no longer have an excuse to be ignorant.

I just wish the answer to that bolded question was way easier.